In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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