My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
