hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
