When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
