Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
