I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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