Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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