Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
did i just pee glitter
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
