worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
