Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
