No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Found the puke drawer
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
