two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
