So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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