So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
