I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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