just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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