This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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