Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
