I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
