you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I don't deserve a penis
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
