you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
