Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
