True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize