Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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