My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
