chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
