When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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