do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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