Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize