my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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