saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
