How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
