This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
