Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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