I just pynch a tree in the face
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My cat gives me a boner
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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