i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize