one word: firstdatebathroomanal
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
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