We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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