She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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