Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
