She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
