My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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