I'm so fucking centered right now
That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Randomize
