I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
