he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
