Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
im calling her cock vulture from now on
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
