I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
