I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Randomize
