i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
