How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
