I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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