I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
