I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He keeps bees of course he's weird
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
