dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Also, beer. Big fan.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
