I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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