So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize