Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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