I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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