i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
