I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
And then he peed in my hair
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