come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
there was a trapeze. enough said
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
