I puked a lego.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
