i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
