I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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