we made out on top of his cat.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
So much rum. So many feels.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
