You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
