Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
