Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
