i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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